Venice on the web
A semi-regular column

Townhall meeting turns ugly as villagers run amuck; 6 dead, numerous wounded
Former councilman, now development investor, David Farley seen running into the night carrying airport plans and yelling, "My Precious! They're trying to steal My Precious!"
-- satire, John Patten, 02/04/04
-- jpatten@veniceflorida.com

Got a comment? Make it here.

Related:
Airport tops town hall meeting agenda
-- Venice Gondolier Sun, 02/04/04

VENICE, FLORIDA -- Police confirmed 6 dead and numerous wounded in a civic uprising that started out as a city hall town meeting concerning the future of development at the Venice Airport. Hand to hand combat continued well into the night in the aftermath of a violent clash between townspeople and officials.

Governor Jeb Bush has deployed the National Guard to quell the uprising, which started after city officials and residents clashed verbally over planned use of the airport business park. The Guard is expected to arrive later today.

"Business park? We're putting condos there whether you like it or not, so sit down and shut the hell up," the mayor yelled at the crowd after listening to numerous resident complaints about developers' interests being given a higher priority than citizens' concerns. The ill-timed comment sparked a riot that left 6 dead and numerous wounded. Fires throughout downtown were still raging the next morning as the sun rose over the normally sleepy town.

"These retirees, they're like undead zombies that won't die fast enough," one developer told Venice Florida! dot com on condition of anonymity. "They're supposed to move down here, spend their money, buy our constructed homes and then die as soon as the papers are signed. That's the plan, and it's a good plan. But then they march into city hall with 'we don't like this' and 'we don't like that.' Who gave them the right to speak out, anyway?"

Prior to the violence, an ugly mood had already pervaded the meeting. A contingency from the Golden Beach Homeowners Association arrived at city hall wearing dark hoods and carrying torches. The spokesman for the group accused the local restaurant Sharky's of military expansionism and of running a secret bio-weapons lab in their kitchens. He then went on to demand a full investigation into the recent hiring of Marty Black as interim city manager. Citing recent reports in the Venice Gondolier newspaper that Black was involved in Satanic cults while in Tallahassee and in a bowling league point-shaving scandal while in Longboat Key, the Golden Beach spokesman stated, "We want a due process investigation followed by a due process lynching. We do not want the black cloud of Satanic bowling to hang over our city. Burn him, burn him! He's a witch!"

The ugly mood created by the Golden Beach contingency led to citizens complaints about the future of the so-called airport business park. Mayor Dean Calamaras responded by stating that there had been discussions a few years back about moving the airport, but that now the idea was to crowd the airport with more residences and condos in the hope that it would all force the closure of the airport in 10 or 15 years. "Now if we can do that, we'll have nothing but beautiful condos all over that land. But a business park? You think you are getting a business park? We're putting condos there whether you like it or not, so sit down and shut the hell up!"

This prompted what was thought to be a response of gunfire from the audience. Panic immediately followed as everyone in the meeting tried to flee the meeting room at once as the gunfire continued. Former councilman David Farley scooped up the airport plans and was seen running into the night yelling "My Precious! They're trying to steal My Precious!"

6 were trampled to death in the ensuing melee.

Meanwhile the Golden Beach contingency advanced on a cornered council, still chanting "Burn him, burn him!" Council members managed to successfully scramble out of a side door before the Golden Beachers could get close enough.

The gunfire that prompted the panic turned out not to be gunfire at all. "It was a malfunctioning PowerPoint presentation that had been left running from a previous meeting in the same room," a police spokesman stated. "It was cycling over and over again and it had some sound effects built in. It was running in the background on the city clerk's computer, and when somebody started up another program, it caused a sound glitch over the loudspeakers that sounded like gunfire. We've warned the people at city hall many times of the dangers of PowerPoint, but apparently they didn't believe us."

The story above is a work of political satire. I note this because somebody has already asked me if the story above really happened. Sigh.